Friday, June 15, 2012
Doing better
I haven't written here in awhile and I actually see that as a good thing. I have gotten back to my "happy place" where I was when we first moved. I honestly don't think of my mother very often at all. That may sound cruel but it's truly better that way because it allows me to enjoy my own family and I am more relaxed. My mother doesn't call or email unless I send her an email and ask a question. They are not coming for John's birthday party and I am happy about that. I don't need the stress of seeing them. It's not enjoyable to visit with them so really, why bother? John doesn't mention them at all which is not surprising seeing how little time he spent with them when we lived ten minutes from them. I'm not foolish enough to believe that this calm will last forever, but for now I'm enjoying it. Had a great day today with my husband and son, enjoying each other's company as a family should. I'm feeling blessed.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
The visit
So, my parents have come and gone and I have been left reeling in their wake once again. As expected, they arrived Thursday evening. Friday my mother met her friends for lunch while Dad met with his client (the reason for the trip) and then the rest of their day was free. Because of my desire to "do the right thing" I texted her that I hoped she had fun and that if she wanted to, they could come over in the evening as John and I would be home. She texted back "yes, it will be great to see them again." I heard nothing further until almost 6pm when she called and asked if it was ok if they stopped by on their way back from the shore. I told her of course it was. They arrived 45 minutes later and stayed very briefly. She made a show of hugging John, who seemed quite underwhelmed. I showed them around the house and she deemed it "nice." They left, I put John to bed, and then I just sat in silence.
On Saturday they came for lunch and my sister came over with her two kids. Things were so strained and awkward between my parents and their grandchildren. It was painfully obvious that they are essentially strangers. My parents of course brought their neurotic dogs and brought them into the house where one of them very quickly bit John on the hand. It didn't break the skin but it scared him. My mother of course blamed it on John and said he was "after her." I was in the kitchen and didn't see it happen but he spoke up and said "no, I was just trying to pet her." He probably scared her and she was in a strange place so I don't really blame the dog but my mother's attitude upset me. After that, they put the dogs in the car and obsessively checked on them every few minutes.
Lunch was that special kind of awkwardness where you can feel the tension in the room. My mother's camera battery died so I was instructed to take pictures of her with her "babies" and email them to her. The pictures speak volumes; she is focused on the camera and the kids look bewildered and uncomfortable. My sister had to work so she left soon after lunch and my parents left at the same time to "relax at the hotel with their dogs." They were planning to leave Sunday morning but my dad was so eager to leave that they packed up and left at 1am.
While they were here my mother said that my dad was going to be getting another client and they would be coming back in June. I said it would be nice if they made it around John's birthday and could come to his party. She said that they would try if it worked out that way. A few days after they left she emailed and said Dad wouldn't be pursuing that client and they didn't want to make another trip so soon. So they will not be coming for John's birthday. Shocking. I have been let down by them so many times it shouldn't come as a shock anymore but when it involves John it still upsets me. He deserves better. My MIL wants to spend every moment she can with John and can't believe my mother doesn't.
I am trying to get back to the calm I had achieved before their visit but it has been very difficult. Things have been stirred up inside of me and I am struggling. I have once again allowed myself to entertain thoughts of how things "should" be and the reality of how things are contrasts so strongly with that. I am hurt by their rejection of John yet I am relieved that they will not be coming again next month. I am having a hard time and I think I may need to discuss with my new doctor the possibility of beginning some anxiety and/or depression medication. I'm not thrilled with that prospect but the truth of the matter is that this just may be too difficult to deal with on my own.
On Saturday they came for lunch and my sister came over with her two kids. Things were so strained and awkward between my parents and their grandchildren. It was painfully obvious that they are essentially strangers. My parents of course brought their neurotic dogs and brought them into the house where one of them very quickly bit John on the hand. It didn't break the skin but it scared him. My mother of course blamed it on John and said he was "after her." I was in the kitchen and didn't see it happen but he spoke up and said "no, I was just trying to pet her." He probably scared her and she was in a strange place so I don't really blame the dog but my mother's attitude upset me. After that, they put the dogs in the car and obsessively checked on them every few minutes.
Lunch was that special kind of awkwardness where you can feel the tension in the room. My mother's camera battery died so I was instructed to take pictures of her with her "babies" and email them to her. The pictures speak volumes; she is focused on the camera and the kids look bewildered and uncomfortable. My sister had to work so she left soon after lunch and my parents left at the same time to "relax at the hotel with their dogs." They were planning to leave Sunday morning but my dad was so eager to leave that they packed up and left at 1am.
While they were here my mother said that my dad was going to be getting another client and they would be coming back in June. I said it would be nice if they made it around John's birthday and could come to his party. She said that they would try if it worked out that way. A few days after they left she emailed and said Dad wouldn't be pursuing that client and they didn't want to make another trip so soon. So they will not be coming for John's birthday. Shocking. I have been let down by them so many times it shouldn't come as a shock anymore but when it involves John it still upsets me. He deserves better. My MIL wants to spend every moment she can with John and can't believe my mother doesn't.
I am trying to get back to the calm I had achieved before their visit but it has been very difficult. Things have been stirred up inside of me and I am struggling. I have once again allowed myself to entertain thoughts of how things "should" be and the reality of how things are contrasts so strongly with that. I am hurt by their rejection of John yet I am relieved that they will not be coming again next month. I am having a hard time and I think I may need to discuss with my new doctor the possibility of beginning some anxiety and/or depression medication. I'm not thrilled with that prospect but the truth of the matter is that this just may be too difficult to deal with on my own.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Continuing on
I have neglected this blog, but not because I have forgotten about it. In fact, I have composed several posts in my head but then I think "I can't write about x because I haven't yet explained y and z." Then I remembered that this blog is a form of "therapy" and it won't do me much good if I don't write on it, will it? So, I am going to write about current things and on the off chance that someone reads this and it doesn't make sense, feel free to ask. Also I will periodically write in "flashbacks" that perhaps will shed light on some things. Onwards then.
We have adjusted very well after our move. In many ways, it's like we never left. It feels familiar, comforting. In short, it feels like home and that's a wonderful feeling. Putting distance between my mother and I has done me a world of good. I've been dealing with things from my past. I've been reading a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers and it has been very enlightening. I am only able to read a little bit at a time, and then I need to process it. I have finally come to peace with my past and taken control of my future. I've finally accepted that I will never have the mother I wanted, the mother I needed. The calm this has given me is amazing.
That being said, things are sliding down into turmoil once more. My parents are coming here this weekend. My father needs to meet with a client (he's a financial advisor) so my mother is coming along so they can visit. They will arrive Thursday evening and are leaving on Sunday morning. How can such a short visit throw me into such a tailspin? The feelings it is stirring up in me make me realize that I am not as "over it" as I believed I was. To be fair to myself though, how can you really get over the fact that your mother doesn't love you? The one person in the world who should love you the most.
I have spoken to my mother on the phone just once since we moved. We called for her birthday and John spoke to her for awhile and then I got on for a few minutes. We email very infrequently, most often initiated by me trying to "do the right thing." She is trying to punish me for moving away and honestly she is doing me a favor by limiting our contact. My aunt and uncle are renting our house in PA until it sells and my aunt has told me some of the things my mother has said about me. My mother tells her she cries all the time because she misses John so much. How can that be when she barely saw him when we lived 10 minutes away? And a big part of why we moved is because she refused to watch him one or two days a week so I could substitute teach. Everything is put into context of how it affects her. My aunt (her twin) is not speaking with my mother right now because she has had enough of the abuse. I know that they will make up so I don't tell my aunt much. I don't dare tell her what I've discovered about narcissism which is hard because it would make it so much easier for her to understand things.
If my mother misses John so much, why is this going to be such a short visit? My father is (mostly) retired and they have no pressing schedule. Her excuse: she is worried about leaving her birds. She is bringing her (neurotic) dogs of course. They will be here Thursday evening yet won't come here until saturday and then only for a couple hours before jetting off to the shore. She is having lunch with her "friends" on friday because they miss her so very much. She is admittedly charming to people who don't truly know her and there are very few people who really do. A few hours is all she can spare for the grandchild who she misses enough to spend her days sobbing over. I am happy, though, that my contact with them will be limited. My stomach has been in knots as the weekend draws nearer. My MIL wants to tell my mother off so badly but she won't because she knows it would make things worse for me. Russ is working and they will most likely be gone before he gets home which is a blessing because I'm not sure he will hold his tongue. He has watched me suffer her abuse for so many years and he's had enough. I do not put it past her to just "drop in" so she can tell her friends she had to see John every moment that she could. The thought of watching her pretend to be a grandmother to him makes the bile rise in my throat. I am trying to hold it together and just make it through this weekend. I think I can, I think I can. Forget thinking, it's time for some hard-core praying. Lord grant me the serenity....
We have adjusted very well after our move. In many ways, it's like we never left. It feels familiar, comforting. In short, it feels like home and that's a wonderful feeling. Putting distance between my mother and I has done me a world of good. I've been dealing with things from my past. I've been reading a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers and it has been very enlightening. I am only able to read a little bit at a time, and then I need to process it. I have finally come to peace with my past and taken control of my future. I've finally accepted that I will never have the mother I wanted, the mother I needed. The calm this has given me is amazing.
That being said, things are sliding down into turmoil once more. My parents are coming here this weekend. My father needs to meet with a client (he's a financial advisor) so my mother is coming along so they can visit. They will arrive Thursday evening and are leaving on Sunday morning. How can such a short visit throw me into such a tailspin? The feelings it is stirring up in me make me realize that I am not as "over it" as I believed I was. To be fair to myself though, how can you really get over the fact that your mother doesn't love you? The one person in the world who should love you the most.
I have spoken to my mother on the phone just once since we moved. We called for her birthday and John spoke to her for awhile and then I got on for a few minutes. We email very infrequently, most often initiated by me trying to "do the right thing." She is trying to punish me for moving away and honestly she is doing me a favor by limiting our contact. My aunt and uncle are renting our house in PA until it sells and my aunt has told me some of the things my mother has said about me. My mother tells her she cries all the time because she misses John so much. How can that be when she barely saw him when we lived 10 minutes away? And a big part of why we moved is because she refused to watch him one or two days a week so I could substitute teach. Everything is put into context of how it affects her. My aunt (her twin) is not speaking with my mother right now because she has had enough of the abuse. I know that they will make up so I don't tell my aunt much. I don't dare tell her what I've discovered about narcissism which is hard because it would make it so much easier for her to understand things.
If my mother misses John so much, why is this going to be such a short visit? My father is (mostly) retired and they have no pressing schedule. Her excuse: she is worried about leaving her birds. She is bringing her (neurotic) dogs of course. They will be here Thursday evening yet won't come here until saturday and then only for a couple hours before jetting off to the shore. She is having lunch with her "friends" on friday because they miss her so very much. She is admittedly charming to people who don't truly know her and there are very few people who really do. A few hours is all she can spare for the grandchild who she misses enough to spend her days sobbing over. I am happy, though, that my contact with them will be limited. My stomach has been in knots as the weekend draws nearer. My MIL wants to tell my mother off so badly but she won't because she knows it would make things worse for me. Russ is working and they will most likely be gone before he gets home which is a blessing because I'm not sure he will hold his tongue. He has watched me suffer her abuse for so many years and he's had enough. I do not put it past her to just "drop in" so she can tell her friends she had to see John every moment that she could. The thought of watching her pretend to be a grandmother to him makes the bile rise in my throat. I am trying to hold it together and just make it through this weekend. I think I can, I think I can. Forget thinking, it's time for some hard-core praying. Lord grant me the serenity....
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