Monday, September 26, 2011
I want a mommy
I'm sick. Very sick. I have pneumonia and I feel awful. I get violent coughing spells and my head is pounding. I really want someone to take care of me and baby me. I'd love to curl up in my bed and sleep so my body will heal faster. I'd love for someone to stroke my hair and make me some soup and tell me to rest and not worry about anything until I'm feeling better. I want a mommy. Unfortunately none of this is going to happen and instead I must soldier on. My husband takes pretty good care of me when I'm sick but he's traveling for work. I posted on FB that I had pneumonia and my mother offered to watch John so I could rest. Nice gesture, right? It would be if it were genuine. She said it to impress my friends and had no intention of following through. How do I know this? Whenever I was sick as a child, she would get annoyed with me. No soup, no comfort; I was told to go to my room and stay there until I was better. But I was expected to wait on her when she had a headache. When she had a headache the world had to stop. She would lock herself in her room and we were forbidden to make any noise at all. Of course as the dutiful daughter I catered to her; I brought her cold compresses every hour and brought her saltines and ginger ale and rubbed her head. To this day when someone is sick I make them soup and make a fuss over them. One positive aspect of having a mother with npd is that it has made me a very nurturing person. She also said that my Dad is already on an antibiotic so at least he will be "safe" around John. The first thing she thinks of when anyone is sick is herself and that she doesn't want to catch it because she will surely be sicker than they were. All of this plus after the last "incident", I really don't want him around her unless I'm there. There is no telling what kinds of things she would tell him and he's at a very impressionable age. And if she really was sincere, how come she didn't call or email me at all today to see if I'm ok? I'm just feeling sorry for myself today because I'm so sick and wishing I had a mommy to take care of me.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Unbelievable
I went to NJ this past weekend to help my in-laws with the ongoing cleanup from the flood. Russ (my hub) had gone a couple weeks ago and did a lot of work for them. While I was there, they bought us a new-to-us car. An incredibly generous act and we are beyond grateful, but this post isn't really about that. I will save that story for my other (non mother related) blog. Anyway, while I was there my FIL told me that he thinks my MIL is developing Alzheimer disease. He says he has seen a decline in the past 2-3 years. I of course told him we'd help in any way we can (that's what families do right?) and we'd try to move closer as soon as we can. Not sure if I mentioned on here that we are trying to move away from here to be further from my mother and closer to my in-laws. We've noticed her forgetfulness but to hear him say it was still a shock to say the least. My husband is of course devastated by the possibility.
Anyway, when I got home last night with the car Russ and John were excited to take it for a ride. Russ suggested we take it to show my parents. I knew he wanted to rub it in a little. Spiteful perhaps, but I agreed. Before I tell you how it went, let me provide this little tidbit of information: if someone gets something, my mother must get a better one. If something happens to someone, my mother is somehow connected to it. If someone gets sick, my mother is sicker than they are. Do you see where this is going? Because I didn't, even though maybe I should have. When we showed her the car and told her Russ's parents had bought it for us, she said "I thought they would buy you a house and then Jay (my brother, the golden child) could have yours." My in-laws do have quite a bit of money but the price of a house (especially in NJ) is significantly higher than that of a used car. And would she expect us to just give Jay our house? You bet she would. I will write more about my brother another time. He's a story in and of himself. After that, Russ stayed outside to check out the motor of the car and John and I went inside. She asked me again if I thought they would buy us a house and I said "I don't really think so but we need to move closer to them." She said "you need to? Why?" I said "well Don (FIL) thinks Mary (MIL) is developing Alzheimers. A normal reaction to this kind of news would be "that's awful" or "how terrible" or something along those lines. That would certainly be my reaction. Not my mother though. Her reaction? Wait for it...she LAUGHED and said "me and Dad have that too! Last night we were putting together a shelf and we forgot where we put the screws." Just when I think there are limits that even my mother won't sink to, she does. I was too stunned to really know how to answer that but believe me I thought of lots of things afterwards. Thank God Russ wasn't there when she said it, no telling what he would have said or done. When he came in, I said "we have to go" and we left. When I told him, I thought he was going to turn the car around and go back and tell her off but he said there was no point because she would never see or admit that she had said anything wrong. I am still stunned that anyone (even my mother) could be that callous and ignorant. Truly unbelievable.
Anyway, when I got home last night with the car Russ and John were excited to take it for a ride. Russ suggested we take it to show my parents. I knew he wanted to rub it in a little. Spiteful perhaps, but I agreed. Before I tell you how it went, let me provide this little tidbit of information: if someone gets something, my mother must get a better one. If something happens to someone, my mother is somehow connected to it. If someone gets sick, my mother is sicker than they are. Do you see where this is going? Because I didn't, even though maybe I should have. When we showed her the car and told her Russ's parents had bought it for us, she said "I thought they would buy you a house and then Jay (my brother, the golden child) could have yours." My in-laws do have quite a bit of money but the price of a house (especially in NJ) is significantly higher than that of a used car. And would she expect us to just give Jay our house? You bet she would. I will write more about my brother another time. He's a story in and of himself. After that, Russ stayed outside to check out the motor of the car and John and I went inside. She asked me again if I thought they would buy us a house and I said "I don't really think so but we need to move closer to them." She said "you need to? Why?" I said "well Don (FIL) thinks Mary (MIL) is developing Alzheimers. A normal reaction to this kind of news would be "that's awful" or "how terrible" or something along those lines. That would certainly be my reaction. Not my mother though. Her reaction? Wait for it...she LAUGHED and said "me and Dad have that too! Last night we were putting together a shelf and we forgot where we put the screws." Just when I think there are limits that even my mother won't sink to, she does. I was too stunned to really know how to answer that but believe me I thought of lots of things afterwards. Thank God Russ wasn't there when she said it, no telling what he would have said or done. When he came in, I said "we have to go" and we left. When I told him, I thought he was going to turn the car around and go back and tell her off but he said there was no point because she would never see or admit that she had said anything wrong. I am still stunned that anyone (even my mother) could be that callous and ignorant. Truly unbelievable.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
What does she get out of it?
A reader left the following comment on my last post "But what does she get out of it?" That is a great question, and one has to understand narcissism to find the answer. First I will answer the question from my own perspective and then I will provide insight from a very informative website that specifically addresses daughters of narcissistic mothers.
My perspective: Narcissists believe they are the center of the universe and everyone around them must do their bidding if there is to be any kind of peace. My mother derives great pleasure from controlling me. She loves to see me cower to her and will stop at nothing to get her own way. She is a master at using guilt to get me to do what she wants. One of her favorite manipulations is using my father against me. For example, if she wanted me to shovel the driveway she wouldn't ask or tell me to, she would say "your dad is going to shovel the driveway. I sure hope he doesn't have a heart attack." Of course I would go shovel the driveway right away, afraid that my father would drop dead and it would be my fault. If my poor father had had a heart attack every time she said she "hoped he wouldn't" he'd have been long gone by now. My mother is happiest when she is in the spotlight. What she gets from controlling other people is a feeling of power, which feeds her narcissism.
Now for the "expert's" perspective:
This website has provided me with a wealth of information about narcissism: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
When I found this website, I read it with my mouth quite literally hanging open. It was as if someone was talking about my own life! I began to realize why my mother is the way she is, and how "typical" the things I have endured at her hands are to narcissists. Their page on "narcissistic supply" is fascinating, and it explains how narcissism is fed. A few excerpts:
Narcissistic Supply is the name given to the way Narcissists need attention. They feed on this attention. It's their drug of choice. And guess who gets to give that attention? Yes, you! (Well, anybody will do really, but you're there and available, and have been trained from birth for the job.)
Now, all of us love attention - of course we do! But the Narcissist takes this to an extreme level. She is an addict for it.
By giving a Narcissist attention, you're providing their narcissistic supply. It's an ongoing job, and you'll need to do it all the time. It's an endless thankless job, but one that, if you're allocated the role, you'll find hard to avoid. And of course, being a daughter of a narcissistic mother means that your role in life is this role.
The preferred type of narcissistic supply is adoration, admiration or approval.
But failing that, any sort of attention will do. Fear is an acceptable alternative. While you're fearing somebody you're definitely paying attention to them. You're watching them and referring to them - lots of narcissistic supply there.
In summary, I guess what my mother gets out of the "games" she plays is simply pleasure. Pleasure at the expense of others. If you are interested in learning more about narcissistic mothers, the website I quoted from is, in my opinion, a good resource. I will continue sharing my own experiences but my knowledge of narcissism is somewhat limited, as it was only recently that I learned of it.
My perspective: Narcissists believe they are the center of the universe and everyone around them must do their bidding if there is to be any kind of peace. My mother derives great pleasure from controlling me. She loves to see me cower to her and will stop at nothing to get her own way. She is a master at using guilt to get me to do what she wants. One of her favorite manipulations is using my father against me. For example, if she wanted me to shovel the driveway she wouldn't ask or tell me to, she would say "your dad is going to shovel the driveway. I sure hope he doesn't have a heart attack." Of course I would go shovel the driveway right away, afraid that my father would drop dead and it would be my fault. If my poor father had had a heart attack every time she said she "hoped he wouldn't" he'd have been long gone by now. My mother is happiest when she is in the spotlight. What she gets from controlling other people is a feeling of power, which feeds her narcissism.
Now for the "expert's" perspective:
This website has provided me with a wealth of information about narcissism: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
When I found this website, I read it with my mouth quite literally hanging open. It was as if someone was talking about my own life! I began to realize why my mother is the way she is, and how "typical" the things I have endured at her hands are to narcissists. Their page on "narcissistic supply" is fascinating, and it explains how narcissism is fed. A few excerpts:
Narcissistic Supply is the name given to the way Narcissists need attention. They feed on this attention. It's their drug of choice. And guess who gets to give that attention? Yes, you! (Well, anybody will do really, but you're there and available, and have been trained from birth for the job.)
Now, all of us love attention - of course we do! But the Narcissist takes this to an extreme level. She is an addict for it.
By giving a Narcissist attention, you're providing their narcissistic supply. It's an ongoing job, and you'll need to do it all the time. It's an endless thankless job, but one that, if you're allocated the role, you'll find hard to avoid. And of course, being a daughter of a narcissistic mother means that your role in life is this role.
The preferred type of narcissistic supply is adoration, admiration or approval.
But failing that, any sort of attention will do. Fear is an acceptable alternative. While you're fearing somebody you're definitely paying attention to them. You're watching them and referring to them - lots of narcissistic supply there.
In summary, I guess what my mother gets out of the "games" she plays is simply pleasure. Pleasure at the expense of others. If you are interested in learning more about narcissistic mothers, the website I quoted from is, in my opinion, a good resource. I will continue sharing my own experiences but my knowledge of narcissism is somewhat limited, as it was only recently that I learned of it.
I don't want to play this game anymore
Well, my father's birthday was about as unpleasant as I expected. It was very uncomfortable being around my parents when everything in me wanted to stay far, far away. Our relationship has completely changed and I'm sure they have no idea why. I would never confront either of them with the truth that I have discovered, as it would only make things worse. My mother, as always, is being very passive aggressive. She took the stool out of the bathroom that my son uses and his plates have been "put away" and she "can't remember" where they are. My husband said "yep, all traces of us have been removed." I am being punished for daring to stand up to her.
I got an email from her informing me that my father has been urinating blood for two weeks and will need surgery on his prostate again. He had surgery about a year ago and it is enlarged again. I offered to go with her or to take care of her precious dogs but she made it clear that I was not needed. She said that she probably won't be able to do the hymn sing (a story for another time) either. I offered to come over and stay with him but again she said they don't need help. Ok, message received.
Her status on fa.cebook yesterday was "keep calm, stay strong and be happy to piss off those who don't care anyway!!! But I still LOVE everybody ;-)" No question who that was meant for. These are the games she plays and I have always caved and given in in the past. Well, I am done playing her games. The stakes are too high and there's no way that I can win. Game over.
I got an email from her informing me that my father has been urinating blood for two weeks and will need surgery on his prostate again. He had surgery about a year ago and it is enlarged again. I offered to go with her or to take care of her precious dogs but she made it clear that I was not needed. She said that she probably won't be able to do the hymn sing (a story for another time) either. I offered to come over and stay with him but again she said they don't need help. Ok, message received.
Her status on fa.cebook yesterday was "keep calm, stay strong and be happy to piss off those who don't care anyway!!! But I still LOVE everybody ;-)" No question who that was meant for. These are the games she plays and I have always caved and given in in the past. Well, I am done playing her games. The stakes are too high and there's no way that I can win. Game over.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Damaged
I am really struggling with my emotions today. It's most likely because we will be seeing my parents tomorrow for my father's birthday and the thought of being around them sickens me. Lately I have been having thoughts of hurting my mother. Not physically of course, but on some level I want to hurt her like she has hurt me. The very nature of her npd makes it impossible for me to hurt her because other people mean nothing to her. They are merely a means to her end, meant to be used and discarded at will. She of course has no idea what I have learned about npd and it would be completely pointless for me to ever mention it because she would never admit that she has it. And my father is the classic enabler and would defend her with the last breath in his body. So I will have to hold my emotions and my tongue in check for the duration of our visit and make smalltalk as if nothing has changed when in reality everything has changed. I have changed.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Nothing to lose
I have been reading so much about npd since I first "discovered" it. Everything I have read makes it abundantly clear that things will never get any better. Let me say that again...things will never get any better. This means that the dream I had of a close, loving relationship with my family will never happen. (Except of course for my own "family of three") My mother will never love me the way I want her to. Never. That is a hard reality to face, but I am slowly accepting it and I feel like I am getting stronger. Many of the articles I have read say that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to have little or no contact with them. They are not going to change. She is not going to change. So, the way I see it, I have nothing to lose by finally standing up to her. She called me on Friday and we got into it pretty good about us wanting to move. I stood up for myself for once and didn't back down. I have barely spoken to her since then and I actually feel calmer than I have in a long time. I know that I will eventually have to see her again and the thought just sickens me. Tomorrow is my father's birthday so odds are that we will see them for cake sometime this weekend. A part of me desperately wants to confront her but I would never do it in front of my son. Plus I know that it would not make any difference. She would skew it in her mind so that everything was my fault as she has always done. So why should I waste the energy and the emotion?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dressed to the...threes?
I do not like attention. I don't like people looking at me, making a fuss over me or, God forbid, complimenting me. I get extremely uncomfortable if I'm the "guest of honor" anywhere. I would much rather be the one behind the scenes, making things happen. I'm a worker bee I guess. And of course my mother is the queen bee. She has required so much attention that all of my life I deflected any attention that might have been directed my way lest she become angry that one of the bulbs in her spotlight had dimmed a bit. Because of this I dress very plainly, wear minimal makeup and my hair is always pulled back in a ponytail unless I'm sleeping. If I get a haircut or color my hair, I don't want people to notice or comment on it. I have found myself wanting to cut my hair short recently but I'm hesitant because it would be a big change and someone might notice. I feel like a fraud when I style my hair, put on more noticeable makeup or wear stylish clothes. In a sick way, dressing down has been a way to rebel against my mother's insistence that everyone she "owns" look perfect. It makes her angry when I look "like a slob" and she does not hesitate to say so. Now that I know about her npd, I am trying to discover who I am as a person. I'm trying to get up the nerve to get my hair cut in a more flattering style. It will always grow back right?
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Background
This is a post that I wrote on my other blog back in January. I am going to copy some posts from there that explain some things so I don't have to rewrite everything. This was written before I "discovered" my mother's npd and, looking back, I can see things so much more clearly now.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who has issues with my mother. I love her very much, but sometimes she just crushes me emotionally. I won't spew out our whole family history here (you're welcome) but sometimes it just helps to get things out. I have often wondered if I'm overly sensitive and over-reacting to things, but my husband and friends agree that the things she says and does are very hurtful. When I was little, I distinctly remember bringing home an art project from school that I had worked so hard on and being so proud to show it to her. She looked it over and said "don't worry, we can fix it." She then proceeded to take it apart and redo it so it would be "better." Crush. Gee, is it any wonder that I am a perfectionist now?
I'm in the midst of another "issue" with her right now and I'm hurting. There is a lot of history that goes into explaining it and I'm just not up to typing it all tonight. Suffice it to say that I'm upset with her, but I'm more upset with myself because I continue to allow her to hurt me. I'm chasing something that I will never have, and aching for a healthy relationship with my mother. I know that people who have lost their mothers would give anything to be in my shoes and would gladly have an issue with their mothers just to have them back. I totally understand that and I am thankful to have her in my life but it hurts nonetheless. Guess I'm just feeling raw tonight.
Mother Issues
I'm in the midst of another "issue" with her right now and I'm hurting. There is a lot of history that goes into explaining it and I'm just not up to typing it all tonight. Suffice it to say that I'm upset with her, but I'm more upset with myself because I continue to allow her to hurt me. I'm chasing something that I will never have, and aching for a healthy relationship with my mother. I know that people who have lost their mothers would give anything to be in my shoes and would gladly have an issue with their mothers just to have them back. I totally understand that and I am thankful to have her in my life but it hurts nonetheless. Guess I'm just feeling raw tonight.
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