Reading too much into it?

So, it's been a week and my mother has still not spoken to me or emailed me. I'm fine with that for me but it upsets me that she can just write John off that easily. By now I should expect it from her but it is so outside the realm of "normal" human behavior that it still catches me off guard sometimes. So I've been coming to terms with the fact that I may never speak to my mother again and then she sends me two emails today with pictures of my father when he was a little boy. No words, just photos. As if everything were fine between us and she's just casually sending family photos. Is this weird? Because it strikes me as odd. No contact for a week because she is so angry with me and then an email with childhood pictures of my father. Russ thinks she's trying to get to me by using my father against me like she always has but I wonder if she's just so far out of touch with reality that she doesn't even realize how badly things between us have deteriorated. Either explanation is just plain sad.  Counting the days until our move.

Worse than I expected

Seems like it has been forever since I updated here and so much has changed since my last post. I'll catch up as briefly as I can but I think this may be a super long one.
We are moving to NJ at the end of this month. My in-laws bought us a house (I can still hardly believe it myself!) and we will be about 2 miles from them, in the town where we lived before moving to Va. Neither of us have jobs there yet, so it's a bit scary but we're hopeful that we'll find something soon. My in-laws actually went to see the house and put a bid on it before we even saw it and we went to see it while we were there for Thanksgiving. It's a really nice house; bigger than this one, bigger yard, and on a quieter street. We're very excited and so overwhelmed by their generosity.  Things on that end are very good.
The not good part: I had to tell my mother. I had told her months ago that we weren't happy here and wanted to move but we kept it quiet while we were looking at houses on the internet and waited until this went through. I had expected her to react badly and give me a guilt trip but I wasn't fully prepared for the level she would take things to. She sent an email accusing me of all manner of things like denying them as my family, being cruel to them and blaming our move on them. She insisted that she and my Dad had tried to tell us not to move here (HUGE lie!) and to think things over and wait. She said they were very hurt by the way we are doing this and she hopes my in-laws live a very long time (very sarcastically). She also wrote that if I didn't stop complaining and judging, and say something positive then I was not to say anything to them again. Wow. I considered not even writing a reply but I desperately wanted to avoid leaving on (very) bad terms. Russ and his mom both wanted to tell her off when we left but I knew I couldn't live with that guilt so I really wanted to try and leave on good terms with her. Seems that's out the window now. I wrote back that I didn't understand why she was saying that I denied them as my family and that they didn't care. I told her that I took responsibility for the decision to move (even though she's the one that orchestrated everything and promised us the moon if we'd move here) and didn't blame them. I told her that whether she believed it or not we had tried very hard to be happy here and make friends. I said I didn't know what she meant by "how we are doing this" and that I had told her months ago that we were unhappy and would be moving. I told her we're not happy here so we are moving and that it didn't have to turn into something so ugly. I haven't heard from her since. I'm ok with her not talking to me but it hurts that she can turn her back on John so easily. She never said that she would miss him or that she would like to see him before we move. It's just the final confirmation that moving here for "family" was a huge mistake. It doesn't bother John that he doesn't see them because he's not used to seeing them on any kind of a regular basis anyway. So as things stand I'm not sure if I will never hear from my mother again or whether I will receive another hate filled, accusatory email from her letting me know how awful of a person I am. Sigh.
After the "exchange" with my mother I deleted all family members connected with her from my FB; she had already deleted me weeks ago. I just needed to make a break from the pain and I didn't want her keeping tabs on us through other family members and honestly I don't interact with them at all anyway. Well, my uncle called me and told me that my aunt (mom's twin sister) was very upset that I had deleted her and thought my mother had turned me against her. I called my aunt and we had a very long conversation about how my mother has hurt both of us. My aunt and uncle are moving away because of her. They have taken a huge loss on their house but, like me, my aunt is desperate to be away from my mother. My aunt has lived here all her life and feels like my mother has turned people against her since she moved back. My cousins don't have much of a relationship with my aunt because of the lies my mother has told them over the years. My mother is a very convincing liar and is very charming when she wants to be. Very few people see the real side of her; a classic hallmark of npd. Both my aunt and uncle also told me how my mother had bragged that she was making us move here. She told them that Russ didn't want to move here but that she would get him here "through me." Russ was quite ticked off when I told him that. She was determined to get us here, to "win" and then when we were here she wanted nothing to do with us. 
So, that's where things stand now. As far as I'm concerned we are moving forward and leaving the hurt in the past. If she never wants to speak to me again, that is her choice.

Strong enough?

So much has happened since my last post! My FIL is in the hospital with diverticulitis (that's what they think at this point anyway) and he may need surgery. We had planned to head to NJ for the weekend together to see him and do what we can to help. However, my father has been urinating blood and has had some scares as his doctor tries to figure out the cause. His doctor biopsied his prostate last week (he had surgery last year) and thank God it came back negative but still no idea of the cause of the bleeding. Over the past week he has continued to bleed and had to go to the emergency room to be catheterized because a blood clot had formed and his bladder nearly burst because he couldn't urinate.. His doctor decided to leave the catheter in for now until they know what is causing him to bleed. The doctor cauterized the bleeding yesterday and actually ended up cauterizing most of the prostate. During the procedure my dad lost a lot of blood and almost needed a transfusion. So, I don't feel comfortable leaving when my dad is in such a precarious state as well so Russ is going by himself.

After this latest crisis with his parents, Russ and I had a serious discussion and we decided that we should not wait to move closer to them. The reality is that neither of them is in good health and his mother continues to show signs of developing Alzheimer's. The debt we accrued in moving here will not allow us to buy a house but we agreed that we would find a place to rent and sell this house to help get out of debt and hopefully be able to afford a house in a few years. We would be closer to my in laws to help out and neither of us like this area and really want to move. It's a win-win, right? Well, in all honesty I am having a difficult time with it since we made our decision. In my reading about npd, it is repeated that it is often necessary to break contact with a narcissist in order to preserve yourself. My rational mind understands this but it seems that my heart still holds a tiny speck of hope that my mother will change. After forty years I should know better. I do know better; I just hope I'm strong enough to go through with it. She knows we want to move but not that we have decided to do it much sooner than she expected. I fully expect her to have a meltdown of epic proportions. She will pull out all the stops to make me feel guilty enough to cave. I just pray that I have the strength to endure it and I pray that I'm making the right decision.

I want a mommy

I'm sick. Very sick. I have pneumonia and I feel awful. I get violent coughing spells and my head is pounding. I really want someone to take care of me and baby me. I'd love to curl up in my bed and sleep so my body will heal faster. I'd love for someone to stroke my hair and make me some soup and tell me to rest and not worry about anything until I'm feeling better. I want a mommy. Unfortunately none of this is going to happen and instead I must soldier on. My husband takes pretty good care of me when I'm sick but he's traveling for work. I posted on FB that I had pneumonia and my mother offered to watch John so I could rest. Nice gesture, right? It would be if it were genuine. She said it to impress my friends and had no intention of following through. How do I know this? Whenever I was sick as a child, she would get annoyed with me. No soup, no comfort; I was told to go to my room and stay there until I was better. But I was expected to wait on her when she had a headache. When she had a headache the world had to stop. She would lock herself in her room and we were forbidden to make any noise at all.  Of course as the dutiful daughter I catered to her; I brought her cold compresses every hour and brought her saltines and ginger ale and rubbed her head. To this day when someone is sick I make them soup and make a fuss over them. One positive aspect of having a mother with npd is that it has made me a very nurturing person. She also said that my Dad is already on an antibiotic so at least he will be "safe" around John. The first thing she thinks of when anyone is sick is herself and that she doesn't want to catch it because she will surely be sicker than they were. All of this plus after the last "incident", I really don't want him around her unless I'm there. There is no telling what kinds of things she would tell him and he's at a very impressionable age. And if she really was sincere, how come she didn't call or email me at all today to see if I'm ok? I'm just feeling sorry for myself today because I'm so sick and wishing I had a mommy to take care of me.

Unbelievable

I went to NJ this past weekend to help my in-laws with the ongoing cleanup from the flood. Russ (my hub) had gone a couple weeks ago and did a lot of work for them. While I was there, they bought us a new-to-us car. An incredibly generous act and we are beyond grateful, but this post isn't really about that. I will save that story for my other (non mother related) blog. Anyway, while I was there my FIL told me that he thinks my MIL is developing Alzheimer disease. He says he has seen a decline in the past 2-3 years. I of course told him we'd help in any way we can (that's what families do right?) and we'd try to move closer as soon as we can. Not sure if I mentioned on here that we are trying to move away from here to be further from my mother and closer to my in-laws. We've noticed her forgetfulness but to hear him say it was still a shock to say the least. My husband is of course devastated by the possibility.

Anyway, when I got home last night with the car Russ and John were excited to take it for a ride. Russ suggested we take it to show my parents. I knew he wanted to rub it in a little. Spiteful perhaps, but I agreed. Before I tell you how it went, let me provide this little tidbit of information: if someone gets something, my mother must get a better one. If something happens to someone, my mother is somehow connected to it. If someone gets sick, my mother is sicker than they are. Do you see where this is going? Because I didn't, even though maybe I should have. When we showed her the car and told her Russ's parents had bought it for us, she said "I thought they would buy you a house and then Jay (my brother, the golden child) could have yours."  My in-laws do have quite a bit of money but the price of a house (especially in NJ) is significantly higher than that of a used car. And would she expect us to just give Jay our house? You bet she would. I will write more about my brother another time. He's a story in and of himself. After that, Russ stayed outside to check out the motor of the car and John and I went inside. She asked me again if I thought they would buy us a house and I said "I don't really think so but we need to move closer to them." She said "you need to? Why?" I said "well Don (FIL) thinks Mary (MIL) is developing Alzheimers. A normal reaction to this kind of news would be "that's awful" or "how terrible" or something along those lines. That would certainly be my reaction. Not my mother though. Her reaction? Wait for it...she LAUGHED and said "me and Dad have that too! Last night we were putting together a shelf and we forgot where we put the screws." Just when I think there are limits that even my mother won't sink to, she does. I was too stunned to really know how to answer that but believe me I thought of lots of things afterwards. Thank God Russ wasn't there when she said it, no telling what he would have said or done. When he came in, I said "we have to go" and we left. When I told him, I thought he was going to turn the car around and go back and tell her off but he said there was no point because she would never see or admit that she had said anything wrong. I am still stunned that anyone (even my mother) could be that callous and ignorant. Truly unbelievable.

What does she get out of it?

A reader left the following comment on my last post "But what does she get out of it?" That is a great question, and one has to understand narcissism to find the answer. First I will answer the question from my own perspective and then I will provide insight from a very informative website that specifically addresses daughters of narcissistic mothers.

My perspective: Narcissists believe they are the center of the universe and everyone around them must do their bidding if there is to be any kind of peace. My mother derives great pleasure from controlling me. She loves to see me cower to her and will stop at nothing to get her own way. She is a master at using guilt to get me to do what she wants. One of her favorite manipulations is using my father against me. For example, if she wanted me to shovel the driveway she wouldn't ask or tell me to, she would say "your dad is going to shovel the driveway. I sure hope he doesn't have a heart attack." Of course I would go shovel the driveway right away, afraid that my father would drop dead and it would be my fault. If my poor father had had a heart attack every time she said she "hoped he wouldn't" he'd have been long gone by now. My mother is happiest when she is in the spotlight. What she gets from controlling other people is a feeling of power, which feeds her narcissism.

Now for the "expert's" perspective:
This website has provided me with a wealth of information about narcissism: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
When I found this website, I read it with my mouth quite literally hanging open. It was as if someone was talking about my own life! I began to realize why my mother is the way she is, and how "typical" the things I have endured at her hands are to narcissists. Their page on "narcissistic supply" is fascinating, and it explains how narcissism is fed. A few excerpts:

Narcissistic Supply is the name given to the way Narcissists need attention. They feed on this attention. It's their drug of choice. And guess who gets to give that attention? Yes, you! (Well, anybody will do really, but you're there and available, and have been trained from birth for the job.)
Now, all of us love attention - of course we do! But the Narcissist takes this to an extreme level. She is an addict for it.
 By giving a Narcissist attention, you're providing their narcissistic supply. It's an ongoing job, and you'll need to do it all the time. It's an endless thankless job, but one that, if you're allocated the role, you'll find hard to avoid. And of course, being a daughter of a narcissistic mother means that your role in life is this role.


The preferred type of narcissistic supply is adoration, admiration or approval.
But failing that, any sort of attention will do. Fear is an acceptable alternative. While you're fearing somebody you're definitely paying attention to them. You're watching them and referring to them - lots of narcissistic supply there.

In summary, I guess what my mother gets out of the "games" she plays is simply pleasure. Pleasure at the expense of others. If you are interested in learning more about narcissistic mothers, the website I quoted from is, in my opinion, a good resource. I will continue sharing my own experiences but my knowledge of narcissism is somewhat limited, as it was only recently that I learned of it.

I don't want to play this game anymore

Well, my father's birthday was about as unpleasant as I expected. It was very uncomfortable being around my parents when everything in me wanted to stay far, far away.  Our relationship has completely changed and I'm sure they have no idea why. I would never confront either of them with the truth that I have discovered, as it would only make things worse. My mother, as always, is being very passive aggressive. She took the stool out of the bathroom that my son uses and his plates have been "put away" and she "can't remember" where they are. My husband said "yep, all traces of us have been removed." I am being punished for daring to stand up to her.





I got an email from her informing me that my father has been urinating blood for two weeks and will need surgery on his prostate again. He had surgery about a year ago and it is enlarged again. I offered to go with her or to take care of her precious dogs but she made it clear that I was not needed. She said that she probably won't be able to do the hymn sing (a story for another time) either. I offered to come over and stay with him but again she said they don't need help. Ok, message received.

Her status on fa.cebook yesterday was "keep calm, stay strong and be happy to piss off those who don't care anyway!!! But I still LOVE everybody ;-)" No question who that was meant for. These are the games she plays and I have always caved and given in in the past. Well, I am done playing her games. The stakes are too high and there's no way that I can win. Game over.

Damaged

I am really struggling with my emotions today. It's most likely because we will be seeing my parents tomorrow for my father's birthday and the thought of being around them sickens me. Lately I have been having thoughts of hurting my mother. Not physically of course, but on some level I want to hurt her like she has hurt me. The very nature of her npd makes it impossible for me to hurt her because other people mean nothing to her. They are merely a means to her end, meant to be used and discarded at will. She of course has no idea what I have learned about npd and it would be completely pointless for me to ever mention it because she would never admit that she has it. And my father is the classic enabler and would defend her with the last breath in his body. So I will have to hold my emotions and my tongue in check for the duration of our visit and make smalltalk as if nothing has changed when in reality everything has changed. I have changed.

Nothing to lose

I have been reading so much about npd since I first "discovered" it. Everything I have read makes it abundantly clear that things will never get any better. Let me say that again...things will never get any better. This means that the dream I had of a close, loving relationship with my family will never happen. (Except of course for my own "family of three") My mother will never love me the way I want her to. Never. That is a hard reality to face, but I am slowly accepting it and I feel like I am getting stronger. Many of the articles I have read say that the best way to deal with a narcissist is to have little or no contact with them. They are not going to change. She is not going to change. So, the way I see it, I have nothing to lose by finally standing up to her. She called me on Friday and we got into it pretty good about us wanting to move. I stood up for myself for once and didn't back down. I have barely spoken to her since then and I actually feel calmer than I have in a long time. I know that I will eventually have to see her again and the thought just sickens me. Tomorrow is my father's birthday so odds are that we will see them for cake sometime this weekend. A part of me desperately wants to confront her but I would never do it in front of my son. Plus I know that it would not make any difference. She would skew it in her mind so that everything was my fault as she has always done. So why should I waste the energy and the emotion?

Dressed to the...threes?

I do not like attention. I don't like people looking at me, making a fuss over me or, God forbid, complimenting me. I get extremely uncomfortable if I'm the "guest of honor" anywhere. I would much rather be the one behind the scenes, making things happen. I'm a worker bee I guess. And of course my mother is the queen bee. She has required so much attention that all of my life I deflected any attention that might have been directed my way lest she become angry that one of the bulbs in her spotlight had dimmed a bit. Because of this I dress very plainly, wear minimal makeup and my hair is always pulled back in a ponytail unless I'm sleeping. If I get a haircut or color my hair, I don't want people to notice or comment on it. I have found myself wanting to cut my hair short recently but I'm hesitant because it would be a big change and someone might notice. I feel like a fraud when I style my hair, put on more noticeable makeup or wear stylish clothes. In a sick way, dressing down has been a way to rebel against my mother's insistence that everyone she "owns" look perfect. It makes her angry when I look "like a slob" and she does not hesitate to say so. Now that I know about her npd, I am trying to discover who I am as a person. I'm trying to get up the nerve to get my hair cut in a more flattering style. It will always grow back right?

Background

This is a post that I wrote on my other blog back in January. I am going to copy some posts from there that explain some things so I don't have to rewrite everything. This was written before I "discovered" my mother's npd and, looking back, I can see things so much more clearly now.

Mother Issues

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has issues with my mother. I love her very much, but sometimes she just crushes me emotionally. I won't spew out our whole family history here (you're welcome) but sometimes it just helps to get things out. I have often wondered if I'm overly sensitive and over-reacting to things, but my husband and friends agree that the things she says and does are very hurtful. When I was little, I distinctly remember bringing home an art project from school that I had worked so hard on and being so proud to show it to her. She looked it over and said "don't worry, we can fix it." She then proceeded to take it apart and redo it so it would be "better." Crush. Gee, is it any wonder that I am a perfectionist now?

I'm in the midst of another "issue" with her right now and I'm hurting. There is a lot of history that goes into explaining it and I'm just not up to typing it all tonight. Suffice it to say that I'm upset with her, but I'm more upset with myself because I continue to allow her to hurt me. I'm chasing something that I will never have, and aching for a healthy relationship with my mother. I know that people who have lost their mothers would give anything to be in my shoes and would gladly have an issue with their mothers just to have them back. I totally understand that and I am thankful to have her in my life but it hurts nonetheless. Guess I'm just feeling raw tonight.

Where do I start?

Hello, my name is Angela and my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). She has not been officially diagnosed (most narcissists are not) because she would never believe or admit that she has any kind of problem.  I discovered information about this disorder very recently, after many years of suffering her abuse. Not physical abuse (that was dad's department), but psychological abuse. This "discovery" has rocked my world and I am coming to grips with it. It is equal parts liberating and devastating. I created this blog as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings and it may make absolutely no sense at times. I have repressed some memories and as I research NPD they are starting to come flooding back.

My mother is very cruel and manipulative and for years I believed that I was the one with the problem. She would mask her cruelty as concern and saved her blatant cruelty for when no one else was around to hear. If I dare to confront her, she denies what she said, which I have learned is a technique called gaslighting* and is very common with NPD. It is intended to make the "victim" feel as though they are the crazy one and for years I fell for it. Over the years she has become more relaxed around my husband and he has been witness to some of her abuse. A few years ago I also started saving her emails and instant messages as a way to verify to myself that I was not imagining her abuse. From the outside, we look like the perfect family and this is of the utmost importance to her. Appearance is everything and she must look perfect at all times. It is no exaggeration when I say that she puts on full makeup to go check the mail.

I am not going to try and explain my mother's NPD in one post, it's just not possible. I intend to write about events in my life as I recall them and can now process them with the new knowledge I have. I'm hoping this will serve as a type of therapy, even if no one other than me ever sees this blog. I'm hoping to heal as much of the damage from my past as I can so that I can enjoy my life, which is really quite wonderful. I refuse to let my mother extinguish my light!

*Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.