Continuing on

I have neglected this blog, but not because I have forgotten about it. In fact, I have composed several posts in my head but then I think "I can't write about x because I haven't yet explained y and z." Then I remembered that this blog is a form of "therapy" and it won't do me much good if I don't write on it, will it? So, I am going to write about current things and on the off chance that someone reads this and it doesn't make sense, feel free to ask. Also I will periodically write in "flashbacks" that perhaps will shed light on some things. Onwards then.

We have adjusted very well after our move. In many ways, it's like we never left. It feels familiar, comforting. In short, it feels like home and that's a wonderful feeling. Putting distance between my mother and I has done me a world of good. I've been dealing with things from my past. I've been reading a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers and it has been very enlightening. I am only able to read a little bit at a time, and then I need to process it. I have finally come to peace with my past and taken control of my future. I've finally accepted that I will never have the mother I wanted, the mother I needed. The calm this has given me is amazing.

That being said, things are sliding down into turmoil once more. My parents are coming here this weekend. My father needs to meet with a client (he's a financial advisor) so my mother is coming along so they can visit. They will arrive Thursday evening and are leaving on Sunday morning. How can such a short visit throw me into such a tailspin? The feelings it is stirring up in me make me realize that I am not as "over it" as I believed I was. To be fair to myself though, how can you really get over the fact that your mother doesn't love you? The one person in the world who should love you the most.

I have spoken to my mother on the phone just once since we moved. We called for her birthday and John spoke to her for awhile and then I got on for a few minutes. We email very infrequently, most often initiated by me trying to "do the right thing." She is trying to punish me for moving away and honestly she is doing me a favor by limiting our contact. My aunt and uncle are renting our house in PA until it sells and my aunt has told me some of the things my mother has said about me. My mother tells her she cries all the time because she misses John so much. How can that be when she barely saw him when we lived 10 minutes away? And a big part of why we moved is because she refused to watch him one or two days a week so I could substitute teach. Everything is put into context of how it affects her. My aunt (her twin) is not speaking with my mother right now because she has had enough of the abuse. I know that they will make up so I don't tell my aunt much. I don't dare tell her what I've discovered about narcissism which is hard because it would make it so much easier for her to understand things.

If my mother misses John so much, why is this going to be such a short visit? My father is (mostly) retired and they have no pressing schedule. Her excuse: she is worried about leaving her birds. She is bringing her (neurotic) dogs of course. They will be here Thursday evening yet won't come here until saturday and then only for a couple hours before jetting off to the shore. She is having lunch with her "friends" on friday because they miss her so very much. She is admittedly charming to people who don't truly know her and there are very few people who really do. A few hours is all she can spare for the grandchild who she misses enough to spend her days sobbing over. I am happy, though, that my contact with them will be limited. My stomach has been in knots as the weekend draws nearer. My MIL wants to tell my mother off so badly but she won't because she knows it would make things worse for me. Russ is working and they will most likely be gone before he gets home which is a blessing because I'm not sure he will hold his tongue. He has watched me suffer her abuse for so many years and he's had enough. I do not put it past her to just "drop in" so she can tell her friends she had to see John every moment that she could. The thought of watching her pretend to be a grandmother to him makes the bile rise in my throat. I am trying to hold it together and just make it through this weekend. I think I can, I think I can. Forget thinking, it's time for some hard-core praying. Lord grant me the serenity....