What does she get out of it?

A reader left the following comment on my last post "But what does she get out of it?" That is a great question, and one has to understand narcissism to find the answer. First I will answer the question from my own perspective and then I will provide insight from a very informative website that specifically addresses daughters of narcissistic mothers.

My perspective: Narcissists believe they are the center of the universe and everyone around them must do their bidding if there is to be any kind of peace. My mother derives great pleasure from controlling me. She loves to see me cower to her and will stop at nothing to get her own way. She is a master at using guilt to get me to do what she wants. One of her favorite manipulations is using my father against me. For example, if she wanted me to shovel the driveway she wouldn't ask or tell me to, she would say "your dad is going to shovel the driveway. I sure hope he doesn't have a heart attack." Of course I would go shovel the driveway right away, afraid that my father would drop dead and it would be my fault. If my poor father had had a heart attack every time she said she "hoped he wouldn't" he'd have been long gone by now. My mother is happiest when she is in the spotlight. What she gets from controlling other people is a feeling of power, which feeds her narcissism.

Now for the "expert's" perspective:
This website has provided me with a wealth of information about narcissism: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
When I found this website, I read it with my mouth quite literally hanging open. It was as if someone was talking about my own life! I began to realize why my mother is the way she is, and how "typical" the things I have endured at her hands are to narcissists. Their page on "narcissistic supply" is fascinating, and it explains how narcissism is fed. A few excerpts:

Narcissistic Supply is the name given to the way Narcissists need attention. They feed on this attention. It's their drug of choice. And guess who gets to give that attention? Yes, you! (Well, anybody will do really, but you're there and available, and have been trained from birth for the job.)
Now, all of us love attention - of course we do! But the Narcissist takes this to an extreme level. She is an addict for it.
 By giving a Narcissist attention, you're providing their narcissistic supply. It's an ongoing job, and you'll need to do it all the time. It's an endless thankless job, but one that, if you're allocated the role, you'll find hard to avoid. And of course, being a daughter of a narcissistic mother means that your role in life is this role.


The preferred type of narcissistic supply is adoration, admiration or approval.
But failing that, any sort of attention will do. Fear is an acceptable alternative. While you're fearing somebody you're definitely paying attention to them. You're watching them and referring to them - lots of narcissistic supply there.

In summary, I guess what my mother gets out of the "games" she plays is simply pleasure. Pleasure at the expense of others. If you are interested in learning more about narcissistic mothers, the website I quoted from is, in my opinion, a good resource. I will continue sharing my own experiences but my knowledge of narcissism is somewhat limited, as it was only recently that I learned of it.