Damaged

I am really struggling with my emotions today. It's most likely because we will be seeing my parents tomorrow for my father's birthday and the thought of being around them sickens me. Lately I have been having thoughts of hurting my mother. Not physically of course, but on some level I want to hurt her like she has hurt me. The very nature of her npd makes it impossible for me to hurt her because other people mean nothing to her. They are merely a means to her end, meant to be used and discarded at will. She of course has no idea what I have learned about npd and it would be completely pointless for me to ever mention it because she would never admit that she has it. And my father is the classic enabler and would defend her with the last breath in his body. So I will have to hold my emotions and my tongue in check for the duration of our visit and make smalltalk as if nothing has changed when in reality everything has changed. I have changed.